Satire: The Beauty of Blarney

When it comes to exotic wildlife, nothing competes with the breathtaking region of New England. The rapid changes in weather and temperature demand a high set of survival skills from its inhabitants. While many species have accepted the challenge and succeeded, there’s one that particularly stands out: the UMass student.


These critters are known for their resilience to harsh winters, which is best illustrated by their instinct to wield extra-large iced coffee with two creams and two sugars wherever they roam. This will occasionally turn their hands a pretty blue color, which they alleviate by shoving them into the pockets of their single-ply Dri-fit shorts. It’s this sort of quick-thinking that makes the student an apex predator.


Yes, these creatures are quite unique compared to their neighboring breeds, but the pinnacle of their character is only revealed during Blarney season. It’s during this time that they’re able to shed their skin and show their true colors: green. Just like the notorious peacock, the student wears this flashy coat of paint to stand out and locate other members of their family. This display is a homage to the Irish heritage possessed by roughly an eighth of the species.


During this time of year, the wide range of food that the student eats becomes scarce. With drive-thru lines at Wendy’s lasting longer than their lifespans, they must resort to one prey: seltzer. The seltzer is an animal occupying the bottom of the food chain, but they’re a fascinating species nonetheless. It is known for its alluring set of wings, with which they use to fly off the shelves of local stores. The seltzer, unfortunately, is virtually defenseless against its predator in a fight. But that doesn’t stop it from leaving its mark: its body is laced with poison.


Its poison content is relatively low, but attacking a whole flock at once can be costly. And despite the student being aware of the risk of excess, they’re blindsided by the thrill of the chase. That, and the taste of mango. Once the student has indulged beyond its comfort, they will let out a cry for help towards their tribe. This will usually manifest in the form of proclaiming their unadulterated love for their friends, or sitting on the grass and cradling one of the trees behind the Worcester Dining Commons. Don’t be concerned, their green appearance makes for great camouflage in these times of vulnerability.


The point of Blarney season is, of course, to gather up the community for fun and celebration. And just like every year prior, this year was a great success. But it’s not just the festivities, its benefits to our economy are striking. Local grocery stores report a steep increase in Poland Springs sales the day after Blarney ends. Cinemas also report heavy profits due to Blarney. This is thanks to the thousands of students whose nights “were a movie”, granting theaters with an influx of new media. This is just another heartwarming example of how different aspects of our diverse ecosystem help each other thrive.


It is now the end of Blarney season. Students, shrouded in their usual attire, return to their busy schedules of working and studying. This is a duller moment indeed, but the student is anticipating joyful times in the future when the weather becomes warm. Soon it’ll be Fourth of July season, when the student finally gets to watch herds of paper tubes explode. Truly a majestic sight.

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