Satire: The Problem With the UMass Store

The innovation itself, in all its beauty.

Patrick Shea

The innovation itself, in all its beauty.

As we all know, UMass is a great school. I’ve learned so much since first moving in, both in the classroom and out. The campus is thriving with knowledgeable professors and enticing clubs. There’s a beautiful pond centerpiece and a tall library rich in literature. I became enthralled in the atmosphere as soon as I took my first step, and I needed everyone to know. This is why I just had to grab a big comfy red hoodie from the UMass store. 


But things change. People change. Everyday we learn and experience new things, strengthening our wisdom and improving our perspectives of the world around us as a result. I still love this school with all my heart, but the hoodie just didn’t fit my needs. So I paid another visit to the store to make a return.


What I imagined would be a seamless transaction was instead a heated debate. After I set the hoodie onto the counter, the cashier furrowed his brow and inquired about the mess inside the hood. I was shocked to see guacamole stains and tortilla chip crumbs littering the gully of the hood. Flashbacks to the Friday before played in my head, when I cleverly wore this hoodie backwards so that the hood was in front, dangling under my chin. This gave me the idea to use the hood as an impromptu bowl, the perfect size for my Deluxe Loaded Nachos.


I tried explaining to him that I thought stains only happened to like, white shirts. I figured all those other colors were immune, so I didn’t bother washing it. Plus, UMass doesn’t stock your dorm with dishes nor cutlery for whatever reason, so I had to make do with what I got. Clearly I was wrong to expect praise for my innovation. Silly me.


The cashier smirked slightly and continued his little examination. He lifted the hoodie, letting loose a handful of shredded cheese from the pocket, which I’d humbly offered to vacuum on his behalf. He pretended not to hear me and turned my attention to a burn hole near the cuff of the right sleeve. I told him that the flame from the stove must’ve ignited my sleeve while I was cooking. He indicated that this wasn’t a “valid excuse”, which confused me. Did he expect me to microwave my nachos instead? I wouldn’t wish such a barbaric act upon the worst plate of chips, let alone my beloved Deluxe Loaded Nachos.


This is when the cashier started getting nit-picky: he had the audacity to ask where the hoodie strings went. This was simply an issue of safety. Sandwiched between me and the backrest of my couch, those plastic tips at the end of the strings were digging into my back. This guy should’ve been grateful that I cut them off instead of suing the store for giving me scoliosis. He claimed that’s not how scoliosis works, but last time I checked, doctors don’t work in retail.


Nevertheless, the cashier rejected my return and began helping the lady behind me. I felt obliged to inform her that the store’s return policy was a joke and that she should think twice before making her purchase. She just gave me a funny look while the schmuck behind the counter threatened to call security. So much for customer service.


So I left, with disappointment on my mind and $40 less in my pocket. I write this not to lament about my financial struggles, but to warn the public about the nonsensical business practices of this shop. It’s just a shame that someone else couldn’t enjoy this hoodie. It’s quite a fashionable article of clothing, I just don’t like red. Too much of an angry color for a mellow, easygoing person such as myself.


Anyhow, without further ado, here’s my beloved Deluxe Loaded Nachos recipe. This is a quick and easy to make meal that everyone in the house will enjoy, especially the kids! Requiring little to no prep, it’s the perfect choice when you’re low on time, or just don’t feel like making a mess in the kitchen.


Serves: 4 Prep Time: 5 min

Cook Time: 10 min Total Time: 15 min


Click here to see ingredients and instructions

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